Grief and Weight Gain
There is so much I want to say and write about that I am feeling seriously blocked to even start! So I’ll just.... start....
Last year I closed down my Autumn Diaries blog in an effort to streamline my writing, the idea was to post mostly Squarespace related topics on my business blog with the odd personal essay but that would not include anything related to my weight loss/gain journey. I wanted to stop writing about that. Stop dealing with it. Fast forward five months and I have regained the 50 lbs I lost the previous year and was on track to adding even more to that. I had officially become a statistic. And promptly entered a state of paralysis because I had promised myself to not go there anymore. I was done with dieting and just wanted to focus on my business.
On my business blog in the meantime I had a hard time finding that right balance between work and private stuff. This is what always happens to me: I start feeling too fragmented so I try to simplify and put everything in one place, only to end up feeling blocked by my desire to balance it all on one plate. Here is the thing: as much as did not want to deal with dieting anymore I could not ignore that I had regained all that weight and that my health was beginning to suffer again. And I cannot even begin to tell you just how defeated I felt. My weight gain over the years has never kept me from leading a full life or from loving and being loved, but darn it - at almost 54 those 100 extra lbs are making me feel old and causing me considerable physical discomfort.
I have, once again, reached that familiar cross-road where I just don’t want to live like this anymore but I also don’t want to go back onto the diet roller coaster. In 2015 I had good success with a concept I called Intuitive Dieting and I still think I was onto something here. But then my mom passed away unexpectedly. And while I was in a strong and good place when it happened (what a blessing that was at the time) the grief gradually took over until I stopped caring and returned to the bubble where I always feel safe: eating and inertia. I was in denial about this for a long time, saying to myself that my weight gain had nothing to do with the grief. But all I have to do is look at my weight chart and I can clearly see that everything started to unravel after my mom’s death. I thought that I was actually copying remarkably well with my grief but the reality is that I simply numbed and buried it with food and increasing layers of body fat.
Phew. I had no intention of writing about all of this, this was supposed to be a cheerful post on my (lack of) cooking habits and all that. And you know, eventually it will be. This is absolutely going to be a blog about my journey to falling in love with cooking. But me being me, it will be about so much more as well.
So what’s next?
Well, I have a plan. A plan of sorts. It’s still pretty loose but it’s a start. This week I also started a cleanse and I’ve been cooking every day. Alas, today - day 5 - the familiar dread set in. Boredom with the cleanse foods. Not much food left in the fridge. No idea what to cook next. Gah! Let’s go out for lunch please! Let’s order a take-away! I don’t want to deal with this. Ugh.
Here is what I did. I got a piece of paper and opened the fridge door and wrote down everything perishable that was in there. Then I made a plan until Sunday of what I could eat. This doesn’t mean I’ll stick to it but on the other hand, I might. And the usual feeling of panic abated and I cooked a nice meal tonight and enjoyed it.
Tonight I am feeling tired but don’t have the headache that visited me the last couple of days and nights. I’m pretty sure that was the detox effect, I very rarely get headaches and these were pretty bad. But today I'm feeling better, yay.
And that’s it for now. It’s just after 10 pm and I am trying to go to bed at a reasonable time. For anyone who’s here reading this - THANK YOU!!! I am probably the most inconsistent blogger ever given the number of times I’ve started a new blog. I am truly grateful to those of you who’ve stuck with me over the years and even decade!
P.S. Is anyone interested in the cleanse details? Download them here.